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« on: April 20, 2011, 11:40:16 AM »

The Homeless Survival Quiz
Hello folks,

Milton here with a repeat of a blog that is sure to please even the most discriminating reader. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands lately since that idiot Mozart moved us out here in the middle of a frozen corn field and we pretty much can’t leave the house without insulated polar wear on so I figured I would stay inside and do what he does best. Of course, you can only lay around in a thong playing on the X-box, drinking mountain dew and eating cheese puffs for so long before you get bed sores so I cut it short today and decided to write a blog.

I have noticed a huge upsurge in the number of new people living on the street this winter and it occurred to me that many of them are unhappy with their career choice so in today’s installment I have decided to post a neat little questionnaire designed to help you, the reader decide if a life of vagrancy on the mean streets of the city is really the path you want to take in life. So let’s get started shall we?

Question # 1
You are chillin’ in the back of a Taco Bell parking lot when you hear a woman screaming for help. Two mean looking street toughs are shaking her down for her purse and jewelry. Do you –
a) Lay there pretending to be asleep and hope they don’t come your way?

b) Jump up, play superhero, fending off the attack and recovering the goods?

c) Wait till the attack is over and start asking people in the gathering crowd of lookie loos for change?

Any good homeless person knows the correct answer is C. That superhero crap only works if you are immune to knife wounds (which I’m not) and if you lay there like an idiot the gathering crowd will either rifle through your pockets or start poking you with sticks.

Question # 2
You are camped out on the 16th street mall, hunkered down with a sewer rat in a pile of newspapers trying to last until morning when you see a group of teenagers headed your way with a can of gasoline.
Do you –
a) Quickly run inside the closest intimate apparel boutique and shoplift some clean undies?

b) Pull the newspapers up over your head and hope they don’t see you?

c) Ask them for spare change?

Experience is the teacher here kids. What I’ve learned over the years is that teenagers do not give away spare change and a can of gasoline is a good indicator that they are preparing for a cookout. Don’t become another horrifying statistic. The chances are that if you’re living on the street you haven’t had a lot of opportunities to practice good hygiene so do yourself a favor and take the tour of the boutique. The worst case scenario is still better than the burn clinic. If you don’t get caught you can score a new Zane Cabrerra sport thong for men and the boys will enjoy some much needed crowd control. Even if you do get busted for shoplifting you’ll get to spend a night in a warm cozy jail cell where you can get a hot shower and they will feed you the next morning before court.

Question #3You are hanging out down by the Cherry Creek Mall waiting for the restaurants to close and throw out their trash. Which garbage is better to sift through?
a) Rodizio Grill?

b) Ruby Tuesday?

c) Bangkok Sushi?

Sorry readers, this was a trick question. Fine dining is not a part of the homeless lifestyle and the Cherry Creek Mall is far too upscale to allow lowlife’s to go foraging at will. This is one of those small details that you figure out with experience. Also, it is not a commonly known fact but Colorado is a taser and release state so even if you manage to hide until they start throwing out trash, those mean looking security guys that hang out by Lord and Taylor will make sure your dinner gets cold before you get to eat it. A better idea is to wait behind the McDonalds just down the street. They usually ditch hamburgers after an hour or so under the heat lamp and they don’t get too uptight if you sleep in their dumpster. (I dunno it’s a corporate thing, something about giving back to the community).

Question # 4You have recently been run over while sleeping on a steam grate and require medical treatment. Do you –
a) Stagger to the clinic and beg for help?

b) Crawl back to an alley and tough it out?

c) Call 9-1-1 and tell them you were robbed while helping an old lady across the street, then run over while trying to pick up the bag of groceries she dropped during the assault.

Seriously, if you can’t guess the answer to this one then you probably should avoid a career as a homeless person but just in case let me give you a hint. Hospital food is better than sharing a rat with some drunken wino who you just met outside the liquor store. Besides, it will take them a full day to figure out you can’t pay the bill so enjoy the cable tv and get a good night’s sleep while you can.

Ok now, this last question is where we separate the men from the boys. Let me set the scenario for you. You have been living on the street for 2 ½ years and the last hot shower you had was when someone left 3 minutes on a self service car wash. Now however, you are approached by a homeless woman who has also been on the streets for an extended tour. She’s older than you and the only thing she has left in life is a five year supply of ugly and three teeth (all on the bottom). Still, she has a full bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 and first dibs on a blanket under the pedestrian bridge at Curtiss Park and she’s willing to share these comfort items with you if you will spend the night and satisfy her need.

Question # 5Do you –
a) Run screaming from the park and promise God you will remain chaste for the remainder of your life if he will just find you a job?

b) Pray the Mad Dog washes the taste from your mouth and do your civic duty?

Now let’s tally up the score.

All five correct? – Hey, you’re already a pro. How about you give me some spare change?

Four correct answers? – Adventure is in your blood. Go tell your boss if you don’t get a raise you’ll walk out.

Three correct answers? – In tough times, you will find a way to get by. Live on the edge and go buy a new BMW.

Two correct answers? – I hope your old lady is working.

Only one answer correct? – I suggest taking a 2nd shift job at McDonalds and donating plasma on Thursdays to keep yourself in an apartment.

What is it Mozart always says – “I’m glad we could have this talk”?

Yeah, sure...
Posts: 5

« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2011, 07:25:16 PM »

the answer to question number 5

Yeah, this was a hard one wasn't it? The truth is that Mad Dog really doesn't make good mouthwash but the taste will fade after about a week and you just can't turn down a warm blanket. Now let’s tally up the score.

dont know how i managed to cut that off
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